The other night I was washing bottles, and I was moping to myself about how unfair it was that ovulation was yet again making my milk supply drop. I want so desperately to be able to exclusively breastfeed my children and I just don't have the supply. I was getting pretty mired in my self pity, thinking about all the supplements I was using and all the "it worked for me" advice I was following. I angrily squeezed some dish soap onto a scrubber, smacked the bottle down on the counter and dug into my pity party a bit deeper. I then hear giggling and lots of it. Then my oldest starts jumping repeatedly behind me. I turn around to snap at her, but before the tart words leave my mouth I notice why she is jumping. My angry squeezing and slamming down of the soap bottle had created a flurry of tiny bubbles around and behind me. She was jumping up trying to catch them as they floated away from her. She kept jumping up higher and higher trying to capture one of those shiny rainbow colored bubbles. She was so happy to just be jumping at bubbles. It shook me out of my self pity. The burst of bubbles had made her so happy for the brief moments that they were there. She was completely focused on the bubbles and just how much enjoyment she was getting out of them. It made me start think I should be happy for the small things and not worry about the things I cannot fix or really do not matter. I cannot fix my lack of supply and I have decided to just be happy with that. Baby boy still wants to nurse and will take every bit I give him. I have been missing out on some bonding over worrying wether or not he was getting enough from me. Silly mom. I know in the years to come wether I could breastfeed him exclusively is not going to matter. What does is that both of my chldren are alive and healthy. We are blessed and being blessed every day. Both have recieved as much breastmilk as I can give them. I have not given up and I am doing the best I can and I should be happy for that. I guess it took a four year old to remind this woman of almost thirty years to just enjoy what I have been given for the moment and not to focus on what I cannot have.
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