Just when I've forgotten

The other night I was washing bottles, and I was moping to myself about how unfair it was that ovulation was yet again making my milk supply drop. I want so desperately to be able to exclusively breastfeed my children and I just don't have the supply. I was getting pretty mired in my self pity, thinking about all the supplements I was using and all the "it worked for me" advice I was following. I angrily squeezed some dish soap onto a scrubber, smacked the bottle down on the counter and dug into my pity party a bit deeper. I then hear giggling and lots of it. Then my oldest starts jumping repeatedly behind me. I turn around to snap at her, but before the tart words leave my mouth I notice why she is jumping. My angry squeezing and slamming down of the soap bottle had created a flurry of tiny bubbles around and behind me. She was jumping up trying to catch them as they floated away from her. She kept jumping up higher and higher trying to capture one of those shiny rainbow colored bubbles. She was so happy to just be jumping at bubbles. It shook me out of my self pity. The burst of bubbles had made her so happy for the brief moments that they were there. She was completely focused on the bubbles and just how much enjoyment she was getting out of them. It made me start think I should be happy for the small things and not worry about the things I cannot fix or really do not matter. I cannot fix my lack of supply and I have decided to just be happy with that. Baby boy still wants to nurse and will take every bit I give him. I have been missing out on some bonding over worrying wether or not he was getting enough from me. Silly mom. I know in the years to come wether I could breastfeed him exclusively is not going to matter. What does is that both of my chldren are alive and healthy. We are blessed and being blessed every day. Both have recieved as much breastmilk as I can give them. I have not given up and I am doing the best I can and I should be happy for that. I guess it took a four year old to remind this woman of almost thirty years to just enjoy what I have been given for the moment and not to focus on what I cannot have.

R.I.P. Grandpa Al

Today my heart is heavy. My Grandpa passed away yesterday. He was in his eighties. His last three years were not pleasant for him. His body was tired and he said he was ready. I know he is no longer suffering but the loss of him still feels horrible. I am glad that I was able to see him before he went. I wasn't sure I would make it in time, but it took him four long days to pass. He endured so many horrific things as his body shut down. I had no clue that a natural death could be so painful and drawn out. I will miss him. May God rest his soul. My children went with me to visit him. I am glad I brought them. They may never remember this, but they were a blessing to Grandpa. My daughter and my niece sang to him and lifted his heart. My mother lifted my 6 month old up over the bed for Grandpa to see him and Grandpa gave him the biggest smile. My son locked eyes with him and grinned ear to ear. It was like for one golden moment no one was sad or dying. Children are such a blessing even the dying cannot resist their charm.

I have a funeral to go this week still. I have explained to my oldest about death. She is not quite five and I don't think she understands. I am not so sure she needs to. She knows that Grandpa Al was sick and now we are going to put him in the ground. And that he wanted to see his wife in heaven so he went there. What do you tell a small child besides that?